Do you know what it's like to find actual happiness and it be gone in a flash without any warning?
Do you know what it's like to be cast aside, to not be wanted, in favor of something else? 
Do you know what it's like to be replaced and not know why or how or when?
Do you know what it's like when you see history literally repeat itself and be helpless when it roundhouse kicks you in the chest? 
Do you know what it's like when your head says one thing and your heart another?
Do you know what it's like to wonder what part to believe?
Do you know what it's like when hope seems like something you've only read in books or had when you were a child? 
Do you know what it's like to wish someone you love could find a woman just so you could know he's happy and you could finally let go...and then it happens?
Do you know what it's like to actually admit you love someone?
Do you know what it's like to feel entirely courageous yet afraid to actually say what's on your mind?
Do you know what it's like to have to look upon the precipice of your family falling apart?
Do you know what it's like to stay neutral in an emotional situation?

Do you know what it's like?

If I fell for lines and attention from a hot tattoo artist.  I could be jumping the gun, but right now I'm not in the state of mind to have logic thrown at me.  I mean, what am I supposed to think when I see a picture on his myspace of him and a pretty girl.  I mean, they look pretty cozy.  What the fuck am I supposed to think? 

Sure, nothing was ever said on relationships or exclusivity, but it's common courtesy to be told this was just a fooling around thing.  Or is this just me being crazy?  Why does this always have to be left up to interpretation and scrutiny?  It's just so stupid and now I feel even more stupid than I did before I saw this new picture.  I just kept liking and liking him, and it was all...just not. 

I suppose I should look at the context of the picture, though.  He was definitely high, for one thing.  He put this picture in the folder that has a whole bunch of other pictures of him with a random girl.  ...Ok, that last bit doesn't help me in giving him the benefit of any of the many doubts I have right now. 

What do you think?  Am I being paranoid and jealous?  Is he a flirtacious scumbag?  What's going on?

I'm functioning on about five hours of sleep, which doesn't help when I have to finish this story on Wendy Rieger's visit to campus.  Yes, it's interesting and I'm learning a lot (and considering going vegetarian, or at least somewhat), but I can't concentrate.  I keep nodding off and this is just not fun.  Well..it is a little bit.  I mean, I get to build up a portfolio of my stories and I got Wendy's business card...not too bad.  I might post up my story after it's been published, because it's all about steps to going green.  And next week I'm going to a see Maya Angelou!  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to actually "cover" that too...we'll see.  Hopefully somebody else will be doing that. 

I still haven't told Alex, but I'm going to.  I really am.  What's really been stopping me is if he doesn't feel the same way about me, then it'll be awkward and he probably won't want to hang out at all.  But I've just got to tell him; I mean, it's always nice to know someone likes you, right?  Now I'm just building up the gumption, without the help of liquid courage of course.

Let's see...ok, I should get back to writing my story.  I've got about 2 pages now (a little over 400 words), so I'm making progress.  I might even get it done before my last class....hahahaha.  Riiight. 

Wish me luck on the whole Tell-Alex-I-Like-Him-And-Most-Likely-Love-Him-(though-I-probably-won't-say-I-love-him) situation!